Small Beers

Even Condoleezza Rice and at least one other member of the (thank the gods) lameduck Bush administration seem to be really angry about the trend towards less than full size beers. It may be the only thing they've been right on in the past eight years.

Speaking of the gods, fate took me up the coast over the weekend and I was once again able to sample the marvelous Big Twitch and Cant Dog Ales from Marshall Wharf Brewing. Fate, and the barkeep at Three Tides (the magnificent bar adjacent to MW) allowed me (after an exchange of currency) to depart with a growler each of the stuff as well.

Quick Hits

The marvelous Allagash Curieux, pictured here, is available at Hanafords for under $10 per 750 ML bottle. This is a great price for a great beer!

At the opposite end of the great beer spectrum I have confirmed the PBR is not locavore compliant. The PBR we (not me) drink here in Maine is brewed in North Carolina, according to the folks at PBR. I had hoped that it might be my local beer of last resort.


Boston Beer Company, makers of Sam Adams, posted losses in the third quarter. The downturn was attributed to rising costs. I feel an obligation to help them by drinking some of their product. The beer is good, and squeeks in locavore range. In addition, the folks at Sam stepped up to help small brewers suffering from the hops shortage.

Size and Nutrition, again

Size

One of the challenging aspect of the 3 beer a day rule is the concept of size. Clearly, a dixie cup or thimble of beer is hardly a beer. By the same token, a full liter of beer, it could be argued, is more than one, even if it is served in a single glass.

Many beers come in 12 ounce, or 330-350 ML bottles. Since a minimum standard is a pint, these 3/4 beers are confusing. Also, since I always pour the bottle into a glass, and the inevitable evaporation occurs, commonly accepted rounding principles would mandate that it takes two of these 3/4 beers to equate to one beer, as prescribed by dietitian Rached. The formula for this is simple: 2 x (3/4) - evaporation = 1.49 beer; rounded to one. However, using a conservative approach, I would consider 5, rather than 6, of these beers to equate to my limit of three.

But our local genius brewer Pugsley takes all the guess work out of this: his signature series comes only in 22 ounce bottles. No need to round, or multiply fractions or anything else. A beer is a beer. I plan to sample my allotted three today. I'll report back after the taste test.



Nutrition

Dr. Denke believes that beer is a more beneficial alcoholic drink than spirits because beer contains many more nutrients per serving, such as protein and B-vitamins and minerals such as magnesium, cadmium and iron.

More details on this important topic can be found in the comprehensive and authoritative medical periodical, All About Beer.

Needless to say, the sharp drop-off in these critical minerals was the contributing factor to my current severe illness. On a positive note, the authorities now think I'm going to pull through.

Warning!

It's Halloween and although I have a brilliant costume (pictured here), inspired by my Scottish and Aroostock County ancestry, I won't be going to any party this year. Why? I'm down with a horrible man cold.

The source of the dreaded man cold? The severe and inhumane dietary restrictions put in place by my dietitian.

Specifically, with my body depleted of the essential vitamins and minerals found in ale I became susceptible to airborne illness. To make matters worse, I faced a horrific medical procedure. Sure enough, by the time my tooth cleaning and polishing was finished (thank the gods it wasn't an X-ray year!), I had a full on man cold, and I've been down with it ever since.

Be careful out there!

Size Matters

So I went to Binga's Winga's, which features big beers and tiny burgers. I had three (my limit, of course) of the big beers: an HSA; a Harpoon IPA; and back to the HSA. The barmaid claimed they were 22 ounce beers, I'm sure that she was exaggerating. In any event, I'm not going to get into fractions. Three beer is three beer, it seems to me. I didn't have the tiny burgers, rather, I sampled other items on the menu. Maybe that's why my weigh-in result was reverse stock market like: losses early in the week gave way to gains.

The three beer brutality is particularly harsh on the weekends. It's now lunch time and I can't even think about that nice Saturday lunchtime ritual of a sandwich, a couple of beers, sports on TV, and a nap. I need to save my allocation for the evening.

I also face a new dilemma. I've been invited to a party where, presumably, beer will be served. Isn't it incredibly rude to stop at three? Isn't that an insult to the host? In this case, not only is the limit a form of physical, psychic, and emotional torture, it puts me in the awkward position of being disrespectful.

I Did It!

Although no one has been so bold as to put it in print, there has been a whisper campaign that is nasty in tone. Specifically, some of the pundits have implied that the severe restrictions levied by my dietician (pictured here) are not actually all that difficult or stringent. So let me elaborate:

1. If I have a glass of wine, or a warm-up martini, or even a post-meal sphincter of brandy it counts towards my three beer limit. Said another way, if I start my day with a friggin' Mimosa (sometimes known as a Bucks Fizz), I'm only allowed two beers for the whole rest of the day!

2. With no specific timeframe agreed upon, these cruel limitations are ongoing and indefinite, like the way Dubwa looks at wars with countries we invade. In addition, I live under the constant threat of random audit.

In the face of this evidence, I think you will all agree that these restraints are repressive in nature.

It was with this knowledge that I waded timidly into the belly of the beast after work yesterday. That's right, Novare' Res, and their $3 draft special (ends tonight). And I did it! I drank 3 of the glorious Smuttynose IPA pints , left the bar 25 minutes after I'd entered (I'd nursed the beer to prolong the enjoyment), went home, pulled the sheets up over my head, and cried myself to sleep.

Joe Three-Pack

In 2004 I weighed 210 pounds. By saying that I weighed 210 pounds I mean that I weighed myself every morning (technically 341 times, I missed a few days because of travel) and averaged 209.9 pounds for the year. I currently weigh 245 pounds. In addition to this statistical evidence of weight gain, note the photographic evidence between the running photo (2004) and the park bench photo (current). I have had a series of injuries that now keep me from running. My weight has become a significant challenge, and a bit of a health issue.

So, I consulted a dietician (this is a free service provided through my job). I told her that I had gained 35 pounds and offered a theory for the weight gain: over time, I have taken in more calories than I have burned. She indicated there might be some merit to this theory. She asked me about my daily diet, and there seemed to be no problem through breakfast and lunch. The issue seems to arise in the evening, when I drink 5-6 beers and eat way too much.

With the problem diagnosed, we agreed upon a plan:

1. Exercise 4-5 times per week. This is easy, and I will be deeply ashamed if I cannot achieve this consistently over time.

2. 3 beers per day. As in, no more than 3 beers in any one day! This is barbaric and I have notified the authorities and suggested investigating this as a possible human rights violation but I did agree to try to achieve this monumental goal.

3. Eat more vegetables, as a percent of my total food intake. I should be able to do this, I really like vegetables.

I started this plan yesterday and ran into an immediate problem. I went to a function that included free beer (my favorite kind of beer). And it was good beer, the Gritty Halloween Ale, one of the better local seasonals. But here's the issue: it was served in a cup! Probably an 8 ounce cup. Maybe a 10 ounce cup. Almost certainly not a 12 ounce cup. And sometimes the cups weren't even full. There's no way I should have to call one of those beers one of my quota of 3. So I had to estimate, and I limited myself to 4. Or maybe it was 5. It might've been 6. I'm fairly certain that it wasn't 7.

Not a bad start!